Conduct Detrimental May 6, 2006
Posted by rosolio in Chicago, Epic, Language.add a comment
There is a 30% chance this story will translate…
Many great scholars have written on the pillars of public bathroom etiquette. There are, after all, a series of rules that separate us from the animals. I humbly submit to you that today, in fact two minutes ago, I violated one of these rules. In fact, it is very likely that I violated almost all of them. Seppuku is in order.
So I get into the bathroom, three urinals on the wall, and there’s someone else in there. He’s not in my department, but he sits next to a buddy of mine. And I couldn’t for the life of me figure out what his name was. I wasn’t planning on saying hello or anything (as that would certainly violate the rules), but the simple fact that I couldn’t come up with it manifested a very real challenge. I knew I knew his name…and I knew he had a really interesting nickname as well that my buddy had given him behind his back. This was not a nickname like “Ace” Battaglia or Chris “Jim” Burkland. This was something that this person did not know about, and who knows precisely what his reaction would be.
The dude is a surly dude. The kind of person who spends every minute of his life sulking. If anything good happens, a dark, poison cloud will, in his mind, inevitably urinate all over it. It is important to recognize that the idea of a urinating cloud exists only the realm of ficiton.
So I’m standing there, trying to figure out what his name is. He’s gone over to the sink. It’s right there…the name is right there but I can’t come up with it. I am in the process of zipping up and flushing when the nickname hits me like big, red, rubber dodgeball.
Doomsday. They call this guy Doomsday.
This instantly became the funniest thing in the world to me. So I walk over to the sink, holding back tear-inducing laughter, with little bits of it escaping in the form of “pfft…” and “snnk”. Doomsday looks at me, like I’m completely insane. I refuse to make eye contact. I keep my head down like the peasant workers in Shininin no Samurai and walk over to get a paper towel. Doomsday has planted his feet and his head is on a swivel. We do not laugh in the men’s bathroom for any reason whatsover, and my restraint was about as effective as putting duct tape over a shotgun. I know I can’t leave like this, so I pull myself together, and look at my confused compatriot, who is waiting for eye contact to say (in the most deadpan, monotone voice this side of the robot from Lost In Space):
“Something wrong?”
I respond with a combination of “no” and hysterical laughter, although something tells me the former was slightly drowned out. I had no choice at the moment but to flee, and moved back to my desk.
The moral of the story is: don’t give anyone a hilarious nickname they don’t know about or else you’ll probably end up laughing at them in the bathroom. Here endeth the lesson.
Common Sense Man: Global Warming, Great Apes, and other Bedtime Stories May 1, 2006
Posted by rosolio in Common Sense, Media, Politics, World.add a comment
Rush Limbaugh does not believe in global warming. While the term ‘believe’ may seem out of place there, it’s because it is his own. He and many of his acolytes are under the distinct impression that global warming is a mythic abstraction that is accepted or rejected by the respective sides, despite boatloads of physical evidence. I for one would like to counter by saying that I do not believe in orangutans. I have never seen one, and am guessing that the ones featured on TV and in print are simply baboons wearing costumes.
Is he insane? Clearly not; he’s made multiple millions countering intelligent discourse with shouting and throat-wobbling (I’m not sure exactly how else to describe it, but if you hear the man talk, it sounds very much like he has a neck 94 inches in circumference; the acoustics in this man are similar to that of a gigantic festival tent that has collapsed on the band who, because they don’t get paid if they don’t play, power through the distraction). There is no such thing as an idiot-millionaire, but there is certainly such thing as a millionaire who plays an idiot on TV (or the radio). On the list of truly vile and dangerous people, he cannot possibly overtake Ann Coulter, for the sole reason that he is often seen as a sideshow, and not as a real person. However, he does preach a doctrine of seperatism and hate, so it’s always nice to watch him roll down a few notches.
The Jabba the Hutt of the AM dial is in the news for pleading guilty to prescription drug fraud. He went to three different doctors to load up on three supersized orders of OxyContin. It’s looking like he’s getting away with five years probation, but he’s already cracked once (the first warning was in 2003), so it’s likely it’ll happen again. Even if he doesn’t see the inside of a jail cell, at least we’ll get a chance to see if Limbaugh believes in constipation, nausea, somnolence, dizziness, vomiting, pruritus, headache, dry mouth, sweating, and asthenia. Then again, side effects could be part of the Jewish-Liberal media agenda as well…
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In more pressing, less morbidly obese news, the Sudanese Government is drafting a proposal to end the violence in Darfur. While this is the most optimism yet to appear from the situation, things are not looking tremendously positive. That is, it is very unlikely that the rebel groups and/or the Janjaweed are going to accept any kind of deal.
With all of the attention on Iraq and terrorism, immigration and race relations, the situation in Darfur is and has been the worst conflict in the world for the last three years. Obviously, we can’t all pull a Lord Byron and join the war, and, frankly, it is not in the interests of any world power to intervene. The best we can do is pay attention. Eventually, we may have some kind of a voice in determining the future of Darfur, and when that time comes, it’s a plus to know about it so it doesn’t get swept under the rug.
