Gathering Speed

Okay…watching the World Cup again…somewhat immobilized. We’ve got Brazil and we’ve got France. In classic Sherlock Holmes fashion, I may have just discovered why these teams are so good and the American team just plain wasn’t: they’ve got players. The best athletes in each respective nation are playing in this game. Such is the case with all of the top flight teams in glaring contrast to the United States. American-born athletes rarely turn to soccer, and when your supposed star is under 5’8”, it’s just not going to work.

We do have a couple very good players, most notibly The Gooch, who patrols the backline like a more nimble Ben Wallace. But there’s no way we can roll with these upper echelon athletes. Ronaldo and Wayne Rooney are built like tanks and have sub 4.4 speed. Ronaldinho has that Michael Vick “Holy Shit!” speed factor. Thierry Henry is basically Dwyane Wade. Imagine how much different our chances in the World Cup would be if our team had Allen Iverson, Vick, T.O., LeBron, Dwight Freeney… I mean, wow. Granted, if T.O. was involved in any sort of international competition, it’s safe to say that it would not help our overseas reputation and that a full scale war could break out as a result.

I’m also convinced that the reason the Americans will never be significantly competitive in soccer is the way we view flopping. The French, Portuguese, and Italians (who are all still in, by the way) consider falling down and pretending to be injured as being part of the game. While there is flopping in the NBA (and it is honed to perfection at Duke University), you never see anyone fake an injury, because it makes you look gutless. So our frontier spirit and our belief in it keeps us from cheating. So we can’t win. There are worse things to be than honorable.

Score Henry, France up 1-0. No way in hell anyone on the U.S. is athletic enough to do something like that.

Usually the more times you make a trip, the shorter it seems, because there isn’t that unexpectedness. The exact opposite is true for getting to Midway airport. It seems like 10 minutes are added every time I pick up the Orange line. It even seems far away by cab. This irks me.

Has anyone actually changed their Brita filter? And if so, was there a noticeable improvement? I just learned how to defrost a steak, so take it easy on me.

Isn’t pornography basically prostitution on camera? And if so, why wouldn’t tricks and ho’s just whip out a camera and save themselves the jail time?

Which of the following will not live up to the hype? Snakes on a Plane or Borat? I’m going to say Snakes on a Plane, just because seeing it will leave nothing to the imagination, which is the best part of this movie.

The Cubs fan is by far the most dejected and easily destroyed fan in all of organized sport. I’ve never seen anything like it. Even pre-2004 Red Sox fans kept some semblance of faith beyond June.

Speaking of which, how shitty was my June? Remarkably shitty.

Are they really playing Jump in the background of Fox Major League Baseball? They couldn’t find anything even slightly newer?

The price of having a good World Cup team: total devastation when you get knocked out. The English fans look like they might all jump off the Old Bailey.

Was V for Vendetta a good movie? I still don’t know.

Zidane just got mugged by a Brazilian player, who ran away afterwards. The ref couldn’t find him so there were no cards. He basically punched the bully and then hid behind the monkey bars. Would Randy Moss do that? We’re never winning the World Cup.

Best part about watching soccer? No commercials.

Here’s an analogy: Imagine if the democrats and republicans played a softball game once every four years. The grudges would be amazing. That’s what the World Cup is like for these countries.

So it’s France vs. Portugal, Italy vs. Germany.

Who started the bag on the head thing? Like the one’s that say “Fire Dusty [Baker]”? Doesn’t it seem a little archaic, almost like throwing rotten vegetables?

Does Taco Bell honestly believe the “good to go” hand gesture is going to catch on? I think they do…

Another interesting twist: Christian Ronaldo scored the final penalty kick that knocked out England, and his club team is Manchester United. How are the Man-U fans feeling about that? He might never be able to go back to that team.

They picked the most effeminate member of the Chicago Fire to give an inspiring speech in their commercial. Doesn’t quite have the Maximus effect.

Die Hard came out almost twenty years ago. John McClane can vote. More importantly, people born the year Die Hard came out can vote. And people born in the 90s can drive. Damn it.