Gathering Speed

Swine Flu is the New Black April 27, 2009

It’s no simple task being a human. The cerebral cortex that led to the dawn of the most advanced civilization in the history of the universe has come at a price (a quick preemptive strike to all the sci-fi emailers: yes, there could be something else out there that has infinitely renewable laser energy, six legs and Jetsons-style Turkey Dinners In A Pill. Show me one and I’ll agree. And not on photoshop). Humans are the only species that know they’re going to die (again, no photoshop). In a way, we have to live our lives constantly ignoring the fact that at any minute, for no reason, we could be dead. Stories on the local news of pianos falling on pedestrians and Natasha Richardson’s million-to-one checkout should scare us to the point of not being able to get up and go to our job at the fuel pier. Who in their right mind is going to dock boats and man the pump-out if they could die doing it?

We need to ignore these things that could randomly kill us, especially if there’s nothing we can do about it. So when we have 24/7 news outlets and access to the rec league baseball scores in Dubai (they don’t emphasize pitching), information can spread like Hep C at a Duke Lacrosse party, and when that information can kill us, we’re all foisted by our own technological petard.

Ladies and Gentlemen: Swine Flu.

There was no escaping swine flu last week. Commercials running during that horsesh*t fake Lost episode advertised the growing threat of Swine Flu. They brought up Swine Flu during the NFL Draft. Even The Soup was a dangerous show to watch, because you didn’t know if the chicks from The Hills were going to be discussing Swine Flu when the writers decided to add in a super-hot bartender to create a fight between Speidi and Speidi (they’re one person…the terrorists could have a point).

What the hell is swine flu? Is it just in Mexico? Can I get it from eating bacon-wrapped hotdogs on Hollywood Blvd at four in the morning? If a pig doesn’t sneeze in my mouth, am I in the clear?

Only one way to find out: spend six hours on a beautiful Southern California day online reading all about how we’re going to die.

There are actually a few things one can do to remain safe: numero uno is stay the hell out of Mexico (as if a full fledged civil war can’t keep you away from five cent margaritas). The rest is all common sense stuff: wash your hands, avoid contact with sick people, and eat Carl’s Jr as often as possible (damn you, branded content!). But the real truth is that the Swine Flu is no different from Bird Flu or West Nile or SARS or anything else that has threatened to wipe us all off the face of the earth in the last thirteen years since the Dustin Hoffman movie Outbreak came out and convinced us the only thing saving us from total destruction was Dimetapp. Part of the deal with being human is knowing there are millions of ways for us to get snuffed out and eventually one of them is going to get each of us. No one’s getting out of life alive. So all you can really do is be glad you’re alive now, like this very moment, and not worry so much about little ridiculous things that won’t matter in a hundred years. There will always be something new that can kill us.

Like the pending alien invasion from the planet Bribnak (thanks for the photo submission, StrshpTrpr37. See ya in hell).