Gathering Speed

First, we are going to open with a disclaimer: I am as addicted to ESPN as anyone else. I check the website a hundred times a day. Upon moving to the midwest and being out of the range of my beloved PTI, I’ve begun downloading the podcast and listening a day late. I have this weird feeling that watching a Stanley Cup Playoff game on OLN somehow isn’t as valid as if it was on ESPN, even though it’s the exact same people with the exact same haircuts. ESPN, a jewel in the crown of the Disney empire, has an absolute hidden monopoly on everything revolving around sports.

The term ‘Empire’ carries fantastically negative connotations. It feels weird to write ‘Empire’ and not capitalize it. This is due to the fact that most are not recognized as Empires until it becomes evil. ESPN has not always been bad, but it is this author’s intention to, at least in some way, shine light on a negative trend that is spiraling uncontrollably toward disaster. Picture a volkswagen on fire careening down a street in San Francisco toward a crowded intersection. A little intense, but so is Around The Horn.

Like it was written in Revelation, the sports apocalypse starts with a positive event (I clearly follow the bible intently…anyway). Pardon the Interruption features two of the greatest sports writers (frankly, two of the greatest columnists regardless of subject) this country has to offer: the Old Tyme [sic] sportsfan Tony Kornheiser and the plugged-in, X’s and O’s Michael Wilbon. The idea was that these two very different, but very smart, writers would address the various events of the sports day and argue their opinions. Part of the appeal was that these two colleagues are very good friends, and the dynamic in a way simulates any group of fans discussing the same topics. They don’t claim to be experts, but neither do we, really. I can get in a trench war over whether the 2000 Ravens or 1985 Bears had a more fearsome defense, but unless I’m arguing with Buddy Ryan, neither I nor my adversary has any actual cred that makes us ‘right’. It’s still fun to debate, however, and that’s why PTI is so great.

The problem is that ESPN, through the Nielsen ratings and internet buzz, saw that they had a gigantic hit on their hands; a lively, opinionated sportspage that contrasted directly with the objective, just the facts ma’am Sportscenter. The suits at Team Rodent completely missed the boat as to why PTI is so popular. Rather than seeing the everyday banter of the show, the producers instead took the ratings to mean that audiences wanted to see people fight.

Around the Horn soon premiered: the Game of Competitive Banter. Aside from being advertised as a competition and the constant ad hominem attacks from the ‘contestants’, the show’s real flaw was that through the assignment of points, someone was going to be decided to have been right. Former host Max Kellerman wasn’t shy about mentioning his New York bias, and it showed in his assignment of points. The show has improved with current host Tony Reali as it seems that points are assigned based on argument and stat inclusion. But there are three types of lies, and the show still yielded a winner.

Dozens of other headache-inducing shows and segments featuring talking heads yelling at each other soon followed, but that wasn’t the real problem. The charm of PTI was that Kornheiser and Wilbon would occassionally take ludicrously bold sides, because the idea was to facilitate discussion, and plus it can be funny. It was because of this reason that asinine segments such as the Budweiser Hot Seat came to pass. Dan Patrick would ask pointed and directly controversial questions to athletes and sports personalities, seemingly begging for the person to slip and say something controversial. A classic example occurred with Jeremy Roenick. After being asked about the fans who claim they’ll never watch hockey again after the lockout, Roenick answered very honestly, “Hey, if they don’t want to watch, whatever, good riddance.” Following the interview, a thousand online and televised segments announced that “Roenick does not care about fans!” Patrick claimed total ignorance of the situation, but he threw the bear trap down and Roenick stepped into it. It is also worth mentioning that the rise of PTI changed Patrick’s radio program, which went from witty banter between he and ex-pitcher Rob Dibble, to Patrick’s controversy-stirring rants defended oh so smugly with the “It’s just my opinion” defense.

Patrick is right, it is just his opinion. He’s just another guy, with no more cred than someone working at Walgreens. He’s never stepped on a field of any kind. And that’s why I cut him a lot of slack and listened loyally to his show. I also listened to Colin Cowherd, who followed a similarly abrasive formula.

And then it became clear to me. Cowherd was on one of his rants, screaming about why Americans love the frontrunners and hate underdogs. This is completely insane, of course, as anyone outside of the five boroughs would say that the Miracle on Ice was a greater event than the 2000 Yankees rolling over everyone on the way to a title. His logic was that more people watch when the Yankees and Dukies and Fighting Irish are playing. He also supports Rush Limbaugh, which is a great way to retain listeners, because he makes a lot of money. It’s debatable as to whether Cowherd even likes sports; he certainly hates athletes and reminds his audience daily of all the reasons you should hate them. The problem with The Herd, and it took a long time to decipher, was that Cowherd wasn’t telling you what he thought. He was telling you what YOU thought. And as I looked more and more, I saw a thousand examples all over the place where ESPN was dictating the sports world by telling people what they were thinking.

What?

There is a lot of great stuff on ESPN. Mike & Mike on ESPN radio is great, PTI is great, Chris Mortensen simply has more information than every other football reporter on the planet, and Bill Simmons relates to more fans my age than anyone else out there.

But ESPN waxes poetic about how outraged America is over Barry Bonds and then unleashes a Bonds reality show. They create the Minnesota Vikings Love Boat Scandal; you mean insanely rich people fuck insanely hot strippers on boats? Whaaaaat? Or the Randy Moss mooning incident, or the constant Terrell Owens coverage, or entire days dedicated to the Yankees and Red Sox who play 30 times a season.

ESPN does all of this under the guise of “We’re giving the people what they want.” The reality is closer to this, “We’re telling the people want they want and then giving it to them.”

That’s what media has become. We dreamed of it becoming more inclusive with added interactivity and all of that, but instead of us reaching to them, they’ve reached us. Through weblogs and focus groups and polls, they can monitor their progress. Based on the fact that I checked ESPN.com three times while writing this, they’re doing a pretty good job.